Things I Am

We get caught up so easily in life, and the game of pretend that we all play. Everyone does it, so there is really no use denying it. We all have the masks that we wear, the persona that we let people see. I wonder how many people forget who they really are.

Who am I?

I lost a friend, and it sort of hurt. It took a while for it to sink in and when it did I could only really blame myself. I let him see a persona of me. The sad thing is this friend probably was the one who knew the most about me. If I let people see the real me, will I lose more friends?

Then I have to wonder who the real me was.

Sort of Scared

I'm sort of scared out of my mind right now. I went to adjust my strapless that I was wearing today and when my fingers brushed a spot almost under my arm on the left side of my breast I felt a lump under the skin that was painful. I called the doctors office and I have an appointment in the morning.

I'm sure it's probably nothing, breast cancer doesn't run in my family, no one that we know of has ever had it and the lump wiggles. It still scares me however. It hurts when I put any pressure on that spot so I have to be careful with how I lay my arm down.

I'm sure people think I am blowing it out of porportion with how I am worrying about it, but aside from my asthma and a case of lead poison when I was a child, I have never been really badly sick. So my mind is thinking of all the horrible things it could be.

Cancer, Cyst, Tumor.

It's bad enough I am having problems with my neck but now this. I feel like I can't get a break. I'm finally back in school and I'm working on a book and life seemed like it was going in the right direction and then I end up having several different health issues.

I want to hide away from the world.

I'm watching Doctor Who. Season 5. I love Season 5. I love the fact that to Amy her imaginary friend was real.

it makes me wish from times when I was a child and I hoped and prayed that the magical would come true.

Relationships Killer?

So I'm theorizing again. I think I figured out what kills relationship and crushes for me. Sex. I've noticed with people in the past who I have dated or crushed on that I usually fall out of love with them, or stop crushing on them the movie sex is somehow introduced into the equation. The mere idea of it presented to me by the other person in anyway, even them ranting about it, seems to burst some kind of bubble I was seeing over them and I just no longer really like them in any way but friends.

It's probably weird. I wonder if other people feel this way or if I am an odd duck. Thought about asking it on AVEN but I wasn't sure how to word it. I might sooner or later just out of sheer curiosity and to get other perspectives. I hope I am not an odd duck, though it might make any relationship I get into a little hard.

Ugh. I am so tired.

The Stereotype List

BOLD THE STEREOTYPES THAT FIT FOR ME. 


I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. 
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. 
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I'm JAMAICAN, so I must smoke weed.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I take ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. 
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a stuck up whore. 
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. 
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big peter. 
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. 
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.
I HAVE BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO. 
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy.
I'm a STONER, so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy. 
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon and fried chicken. 
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. 
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. 
I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I dont like the SUN, so I MUST be albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. 
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. 
I become DEPRESSED easily, so I MUST be suicidal.

Broke Down

You broke me down, and tore me apart, though I never said it.
I sat there shattered wanting to die, but you never saw it.
You listened to my lies, and believed them for truth.
You ignored my words, and gave them different meaning.

You brought back the world I thought long dead,
I once again learned how to trap myself in my head.

The years have gone by, and I'm getting stronger.
I've learned now what not to do.

We are not broken, shattered dolls for your entertainment

If I could trade...

mistakes for sheep, count me awake before I sleep.


So Hi, I decided to start a personal blog again. I just feel like I need a place to really rant and get out my frustrations. It'll be about various different things going on in my life at the moment and I feel like at least here I wouldn't have to censor myself since no one will probably watch this blog.

So what is there to say about me? I'm 24. I read, and I write. I watch anime, and I play video games. I'm also in college full-time at the moment.

I also have an annoying obsession with Shatterstar at the moment from the Marvel comics. I'm sure it'll pass in time.